My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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