Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
