wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
