I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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