So drunk its hurt
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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