Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
