I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
