My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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