oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
