I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
