If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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