Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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