I puked a lego.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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