Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
this hospital has no fireball
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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