New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
