Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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