I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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