I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
