Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
