genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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