Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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