Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
