My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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