I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
