you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
