I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
