And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
