Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
