Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
