I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
