There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Randomize
