Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
