Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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