you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
he thought i was a dude.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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