herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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