According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
