I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I did not marry a roomba.
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