I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Me too!
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
