Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
