he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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