mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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