my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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