she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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