some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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