Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
