my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
