I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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