I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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