I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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