rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
